I think there is a common misconception that every single float will be relaxing and blissful. For me, this is not the truth. The float tank is my main tool for personal realizations, healing and growth. Sometimes to grow, the weeds need to be pulled. The naked, blatant truth is that when you’re lying in a pod all by yourself for an hour, shit will come up. It’s inevitable and it’s necessary.
My first several floats were quite euphoric and resulted in a deep peace and calm. After several floats, things started to get interesting. So interesting that I wanted to avoid getting in the pod just because of the issues that were presenting themselves. I knew it was necessary to look beyond the surface in order to truly feel peace, so I kept getting back into the pod. I began to face the deeply buried issues, most of which I had no recollection of ever happening. Initially it was all the bad, mean things I did as a little girl. There was one float in particular that stood out to me which I would like to share…
My childhood revolved around horses and rodeo. I treated my horse, Cactus, like a king. He taught me the meaning of unconditional love. Together we accomplished many wins and as the competition grew steeper we had to increase our skills. One skill involving an event called goat tying needed the most work. I acquired a goat, named him Billy (of course), and used him for practice. About a year ago I had a very memorable float where I saw Billy’s little face for the first time in over a decade. I never realized how much guilt I held for being cruel and unfair to Billy back in my rodeo days. I had completely forgotten I ever had him.
He appeared in my mind’s eye clear as day and a well of emotions started to turn up. I was able to see his eyes and recognize his innocence. At the time I had him, about 12 years old, I never even considered him as a living being. All he was for was tying practice. I would grab him flip him and see how fast I could tie his legs. It was a sport. That isn’t the only reason I had suppressed his memory. But more so it was because of the way I had disrespected him. I never treated him how I treated my horses or dogs. I was never loving or sweet to this animal. I did not care about his happiness and I was mean to him. In seeing his face and remembering all the ways I mistreated him, I realized I had suppressed this memory because of the guilt I held. It was time to release and forgive my inner child. I pictured him clearly and emitted as much love as possible directly to his heart. I apologized from the core of my being for how I had treated him. This process created an immense amount of compassion for the little girl who did not think that her behaviour mattered. I forgave myself. My whole body slipped into the deepest state of relaxation I had ever felt while being in the float pod. My heart felt light and peaceful.
That’s just one example of the childhood things that have come up. There have been many occasions of hidden childhood memories re-appearing and in turn, releasing. Nowadays I am learning that I’ve uncovered a lot of my past subconscious. However, the current delusions of my reality are what come up during my weekly float practice. It has become much easier to face my truth and let go, slipping into a place of blissful peace.
I’m constantly learning that in order to reach the core of who we are, the one that doesn’t react to any circumstance, it takes practice. We have to spend time alone. It’s necessary to go through all the events that have distorted our reality. Even the ones we’ve forgotten. Sometimes it hurts so bad all we can do is go to sleep. But during the next float practice a piece of it will be opened already. We have to continue going back into silent darkness and be completely undistracted to find the weeds and pull them.
“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” – James Baldwin
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